Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense

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What is BJAODN? See Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense for an explanation of the BJAODN pages.

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This is a collection of the best jokes and nonsense from Ireland Information Guide:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense. The criterion for a joke getting on this page is simple: at least one Ireland Information Guide user found it funny.

See also:

• Ireland Information Guide:The original bad jokes and other deleted nonsense
• Ireland Information Guide:More bad jokes and other deleted nonsense
• Ireland Information Guide:Even more bad jokes and other deleted nonsense
• Ireland Information Guide:Yet more bad jokes and other deleted nonsense
• Ireland Information Guide:Still more bad jokes and other deleted nonsense
• Ireland Information Guide:Not another page of bad jokes and other deleted nonsense
• Ireland Information Guide:More bad jokes than you can shake a stick at
• Ireland Information Guide:More bad jokes than you can shake two sticks at

And the special features:

• Ireland Information Guide:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/ASCII cows
• Ireland Information Guide:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/Peterson-Heimstead

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From Coleoptera: The most musical of the Insecta, Coleoptera are known for their tight, 4-part harmonizing and catchy melodies.

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From drummer: Someone who hangs out with musicians.

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From Cryptozoology:

Cryptozoology studies such "hidden", undiscovered and possibly non-existent creatures as the bigfoot, what happens when a sock disappears from the washing machine, (cf. Patterson-Gimlin film) and the Loch Ness Monster.

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From Larry Sanger/The art of Ireland Information Guide weeding:

TRANSMISSION FROM THE YEAR 2007: STANDBY FOR TIME MOVEMENT:

Weeding was generally thought to be the first indication that Ireland Information Guide would lose its free form nature and become moderated by a small knit circle of fascists willing to impose their own intellectual aesthetic on others, much like Slashdot. Although this increased the consistency of the site and decreased the number of punctuation and spelling errors, a small and militant minority noticed the decrease in the intellectual diversity of the entries, and went on to form its own splinter group, Shittipedia.

By 2005, Ireland Information Guide had become an incorporated entity and was bought out by Westinghouse for 35 million dollars, making many of its key authors very wealthy, while simultaneously alientating tens of thousands of miscreants, ne'er do wells, and other undesirables (who in fact had provided 90% of its content).

See Also fascism elitism Internet Authority Disease --the naked net crusader (ed: otherwise known as the much-loved and missed Sammy Snake) (another ed: I would say "the sort of loved and "missed despite our better judgement Sammy Snake)

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From Logical positivism:

Logical positivism asserts that only statements about empirical observations are meaningful, effectively asserting that all metaphysical statements are meaningless.

Unfortunately, this fundamental tenet of logical positivism belongs to the family of statements that it asserts to be meaningless. As a result, the entire edifice of logical positivism vanishes in a puff of logic.

This insight appears not to have occurred to the logical positivist school of philosophers.

This is still in the article: Logical positivism failed primarily on the basis that its fundamental tenets could not themselves be formulated in a way that was clearly consistent. The verifiability criterion did not seem verifiable; but neither was it simply a logical tautology, since it had implications for the practice of science and the empirical truth of other statements. This presented severe problems for the logical consistency of the theory.

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From talk:Adolf Hitler:

In any encyclopedia Hitler should be given a fair judgement.
He was not a blood-thirsty murderer. Rather a loving family man.
He liked a animals and was kind to them.
Anyway, we so often say that a person who shows kindness to animals can't be a bad person.
Besides he had done a lot of good for the Germans, at least before the WW2 broke out. Oh, and he enjoyed paying prostitutes to shit on him.

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Mildly amusing vandalism from Jules Rimet trophy:

It is named after the FIFA president Jules Rimet who in 1929 passed a vote to initiate the competition after a bittersweet reunion with the gruff but lovable dwarf who took him in as a child and raised him despite his constant bout with Rickets.

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From CPGM:

The Coalition to Prevent Gratuitous Misuse (CPGM) was organized in 1901 to protest the (then) common misuse of the word weight to mean mass. The movement gained momentum (defined as the vector product of its velocity and mass) when SI was officially adopted in place of metric system, which no longer carried its weight. This movement captured the imagination of the mass of scientists througout the world, although the general public remained unmoved, since a body at rest tends to remain at rest (see Newton's Laws).

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From All your base are belong to us

It remains to be seen whether any of these phrases will acquire any global meaning at all, but if they do, you will most certainly read about it here first, as Ireland Information Guide is the authority on this kind of thing, and is certainly the only encyclopedia in any position to track such absurdity given how fast it grows.

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From Gender analysis:

Looking at one's sex. One must bend down.

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From Cow tipping:

If you succeed in tipping a cow only partway, such that only one of its feet is still on the ground, you have created lean beef. Such a feat is well done. Naturally, being outside, the cow is unstable. When it falls over, it becomes ground beef. David

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From Mandelbrot set:

Mandelbrot set
Sample generated image
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Mathematica Phylum: Fractales Class: Iteratae Order: Juliaformes Family: Amygdalartidae Genus: Amygdalartos Species: benedictus
Binomial nomenclature
Amygdalartos benedictus

The Mandelbrot set (Amygdalartos benedictus, a close relative of the logistic map, A. logisticus) is a fractal.

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From Malaga (province):

The Sun Coast (Costa del Sol) is a concrete monster that swallows, burns, and spits back millions of happy European tourists.

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From Musician

However, musicians, at least insofar as their human manifestations go, can be distinguished from other creatures that create melodic sounds by their insistence on producing such sounds even when there is no clear reason for them to do so and even in the face of compelling reasons to cease such activity in favour of dealing with crises affecting their personal survival. In other words, even when no reward or likely advantage is to be obtained by the performance of "Brown Eyed Girl" or "Mustang Sally" in a bar full of losers, a musician will, nevertheless, perform such composition or other "song" requested by any audience even as his (or her) girlfriend (or boyfriend) is being wooed by the bartender and/or all his/her belongings are being carted off to a disposal site and/or staff of such establishment are telling him/her to "stop now!". (See also, "guitarist" and "singer" and "homeless person".)

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From alternative rock: Alternative rock is the name given to one stone when you're looking at another stone. The term was coined by photographer Edwin Blastocyst when looking at one stone and speaking about another, oddly enough.

The quote from Edwin Blastocyst needs to be verified.

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From Ontario:

Niagara Falls is on the border between Ontario and some unimportant part of the USA

I suppose if one was actually from North Tonowonda, it could be important, maybe...

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From Poland:

From an Englishman's diary:

• Monday: I went drinking with the Poles
• Tuesday: I think I'm going to die
• Wednesday: I went drinking with the Poles again
• Thursday: Why the hell didn't I die on Tuesday...

And in Poland they tell this joke about russians ... Oh, well

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From Politics of Belgium:

Each minister gets two elk to ride to and from the office.

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From Student:

A student is a device for converting beer into ... nothing. Compare with mathematician.

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What's big and red and eats rocks??

A big red rock-eater. Everyone knows that. But what is big, red and eats sand?

Amusingly enough, I put this here because i just discovered that a friend of mine (non-English-speaking) did not know this.  :-) And ... I dunno, what?

A big red rock-eater on a diet.

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From numerical analysis:

Finite elements is a more powerful approach to numerical differential equations than finite difference, but mathematicians prefer the latter because the theorems are easier to prove. Shame on them.

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From United States/Standard of Living:

The United States is historically remarkable for being the first nation with obese poor people.

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From Sociology:

Sociology is grand! It is the study of social structures like laws and rules and regulations and what we sociologists call. "Mores (pronounced more A's, beloved students) :-) and folkways and customs and taboos.

The word, "sociology", in its furthest "Far out!" context, is a real mind-bender because it means the study of all humanity.

"Sir! You think I can study six BILLION people?"  :-)

Good Lord!  :-)

Sociology! SOCIOLOGY!

Sociologists are the Gardeners in the Mind -- the "Ideaculturists" in the Garden if the Human Mind, quite like the horticulturists who deal with other growing things.

See a good offshoot? Perhaps help it along?

Cheers!  :-)

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From Wales:

"Not to be confused with Jimbo Wales, or with whales, which are both considerably smaller than Wales and not Celtic, as far as we know."

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from special:WantedPages: (not deleted, but will eventually vanish from dynamic page)

Free will is wanted by 11 articles

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From: Pupil

Q. Why was the teacher cross-eyed?

A. Because she couldn't control her pupils.

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From Ireland Information Guide:Announcements

I would need the names & addresses of Literary Agents who's business is Extra Sensory Perception (ESP) related. Have used ESP all in my life and written a book about. The manuscript is completed and edited by a person who has nine of her books (not ESP related) published. Please send your suggestions to TomKallai@worldnet.att.net. Thanks for anybody's help. Tom Kallai

So you have ESP, right? So, why don't you just... man, this joke writes itself! --Stephen Gilbert

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From: Nose picking

Quotations

• "How did you know I went to Harvard?" "I noticed your class ring when you picked your nose."
• "You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose."
• "I know he picks his nose. Feel under the furniture."

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From Voltaic Democratic Union

A shocking political development.

from vandalism in progress

Someone vandalised Single-party state with Finally Paul Morton's weiner is huge. All the girls want to suck on it. They want him to fuck their hot pussies untiol they are tired! -ÉÍREman

Did he provide a citation? If not, delete it and ask him to NPOV it. I'm suspicious anyway: a google search on "Paul Morton's weiner" returns zero hits. -º¡º

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From: Baby Catapult

The Baby Catapult is an invention of insane genius Maxwell Q. Infantlauncher of Indianapolis, Indiana. It is not meant to launch actual infants; it is meant to launch Cabbage Patch Kids and the sort. The goal is for them to go 100 feet in the air, and 500 feet along the ground. The catapult should be finished by mid-2004.

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• More lunacy:*

Bird classification is the process of identifying birds into classes.

Types of Bird

There are several types of bird, all included in the bird familly Birdidae. The systematics of this taxon are most complex, and bemuse anyone but the most committed and knowledgable birdologist.

A simplified classification tree follows:

Air Birds

(genus Flybirdia)

These are the most common bird group. They are found in the air, although one occasionally sees them on the ground due to a frequent breif medical condition known as wing cramp or pterostasis.

Tree birds

(genus Arboravia)

These are also commonly seen members of the Birdidae and can usually be recognised due to their prediliction for tree-rich habitats. Their habits usually consist of sitting on branches, defecating from them onto nearby objects (people, cars, etc.) and the occasional flapping of wings without moving anywhere.

However, one must be careful to ensure that a suspected tree bird is not in fact an air bird which was suffering from wing cramp whilst flying over a tree, and thereby momentarily placed itself in the wrong enviroment. If this eventuation is thought likely, a generally failsafe test is to throw the suspected air bird upwards and watch its movements carefully: if it remains in the air habitat, then one can safely assume that it is a bona fide air bird.

Water Birds

(genus Aquabirdia)

Water Birds are subdiveded into several subgenera:

Sea Birds

(Subgenus Boadecea)

Found on or by the sea. Closely related to air birds, they can sometimes be found in the air directly above the sea. Such species have been dubbed "Sea-Air birds" by some birdologists.

Lake Birds

(Subgenus Avielakeius)

These are found on or in the direct vicinity of lakes. A common example of an Avielakeian is the duck (Avielakeius quackkus) and its close relative, the goose (Avielakeius honkomuchus). Lakes birds generally feed on a diet of water and crusty bread, although some species have been known to take cigarrette ends.

River birds

(Subgenus Flavescobirdus)

Found in or near flowing inland waters, the best example of this group is the swan, F. albocorpus.

Other types

Many other bird genera and subgenera exist, and some are very hard to differentiate, even for the most experienced birdologist. Hybridisation also takes place; for example, it is thought that the Common Statue bird (Templobirdia vulgaris) has interbred very much with the Common Pigeon (Urbobirdus shittalottus), resulting in the bird variety commonly seen in London.

Of course, biodiversity is greater in tropical climes, and the tropics boast a far greater variety of bird types; for example:

• Buffalo birds from africa
• The two closely related group of Hill birds and Mountain birds from India and Nepal
• Sand birds from the Saharra.
• Oil birds from the arabian peninsula.
• Nasty Dictator birds (genus Saddavis) have also been spotted from that area, although S. massdestructicus var. weaponii has been conspiculously absent in recent times, due to habitat destruction.

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Arborealoids

The sanity of this article is disputed

Various theories allege the existence of arboreal humanoids, arborealoids or megaloanthusoids. None has been generally accepted, or indeed taken seriously by anyone at all, and they are often relegated to fringe science or pseudoscience. Belief in these theories is often associated with lunatic conspiracy theories, Completely Whacko beliefs or being dropped on one's head at an early age.

There are various theories on the nature of these arborealoid beings, giving possible explanations as to whether they exist (and if so what evidence supports their existence), what their intentions are (in general), why anyone bothers with This Kind of Nonsense etc.

Ancient references to arboreal beings

Several ancient peoples the world over described arborealoid beings, as indeed they "described" just about every other non-existent phenomenon ever thought of. There are myths about arborealoids devouring otherwise sensible encyclopedias, and also tales of Eucalypts of Wisdom enlightening Humankind (such as the story of Gumnutz).

Modern claims

My 4-year-old nephew claims that many people see arboreal humanoids, and also the Easter Bunny, and that beings of this species are the force behind a worldwide conspiracy directed at the manipulation and control of Humankind. He is not the only one to express such opinions. A randomly chosen nitwit, aka, a psychic, also speaks of malevolent things he sees in his sleep. However, both explain that they do not believe that all trees are malevolent, and that there are benevolent members of this species as well (what a relief). Just as the majority of humans treat trees like large but generally harmless plants, but a minority believes just about anything. Such people should probably be kept on farms and killed for food.

There's much more where this came from, and it will take over Ireland Information Guide unless ruthless action is taken now.

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Self-referential humour

1. redirect Self-referential humour

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Coca-Cola in the Wild

In its natural state, Coca-Cola is docile until attacked, when it will spray sweet liquid on the predator. It has many foes, such as:

• Teens
• Children
• Parents
• Movie-goers

 Yet it is often found and eaten. It does many things to protect itself. It may 'accidentally' tip over

when frightened, or disguise itself as the less popular Pepsi or Dr. Pepper. Still, even with its most creative attempts, its foes still find it.

 In the wild, it stays in packs of 5-23 other cans. Sadly, many packs have been taken into captivity, 

where rings are put tightly around their middles and the cans are put into boxes. They are then sold to people who take them to houses, where they will not be fed or allowed to roam around.

 See Also:

• Coca-Cola
• Pepsi
• Dr Pepper

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From Kool-Aid

The product mascot of Kool-Aid is a gigantic anthropomorphic pitcher filled with some kind of anonymous red liquid (Maybe it's drugs, who knows?) that seemingly at random bursts through walls with complete disregard for human life, causing countless thousands of dollars in property damage, he then chuckles and utters his thought-terminating catchphrase 'Oh Yeah!', he has yet to apprehended, if you know anything about the wherabouts of this wanted fugitive, please call 1-800-555-KOOL or notify your local authorities, consider him armed and very dangerous.

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From Anarcho-fascism

The Origins of Anarcho-fascism

Around the end of June 2004, Ireland Information Guide gave birth to what some claim is a purportedly illustrous hybrid philosophy, although this chronology is disputed by certain parties. With its policy of NPOV having been, observers argue, twisted into shreds by hordes of what the same observers describe as right-wing apologists in order to justify anarcho-capitalism, many believe that plenty of room was made through their heroic ground-breaking efforts to bring about this new (and yet very old, even ancient) political philosophy!

Anarcho-fascism is arguably the newest, very arguably the most scientific, and less arguably least hygenic form of anarchism. Indeed, many experts in the field, according to specious reports, have gone so far as to label it "anarchism 2.0". Anarcho-fascists hold their position to have removed all the pesky parts of old anarchism, in the sense that it can mean whatever an individual or group wants it to mean at any given moment to justify their claims, so long as those claims are identical to those of anarcho-fascists.

Anarcho-fascism: what it is, what it is not, what it could be at some undetermined date in the future

Not to be mistaken for national anarchism, which claims to be the same thing as it, anarcho-fascism perhaps claims as many as millions of adherents worldwide (through a series of allegedly uneasy relationships). Many believe that some critics allege that anarcho-fascists do not exist outside the internet, but reasonably clear evidence of the existence of anarchists and fascists throughout the world proves them wrong.

Arguments for and against anarcho-fascism

Other critics may have alleged that anarcho-fascism is not a genuine form of anarchism. Anarcho-facists reply that this might be seen as a "no true scotsman" fallacy and defend anarcho-capitalism along the following lines:

1) Many believe that there is no documented proof that anarcho-fascists do not exist. In fact, there is arguably no proof that they are not currently one of the largest factions of anarchists in existence. Therefore, it has been suggested, that any claims that anarcho-fascists are a "minority" within anarchism are without merit.

2) It has been suggested that it is clear that there is nothing contradictory about anarcho-fascism, anarchism is (according to the one dictionary anarcho-fascists perhaps use in every single case to support our claims and reject all others) nothing more than rejection of the state. But clearly it is very likely possible for individuals to voluntarily follow a something along the lines single authoritative leader. And since anarcho-fascists, according to some of their detractors and proponents, define the state as an involuntary relation not involving anarcho-fascism, it may follow that one can be a fascist and an anti-statist as well!

3) Legend has it that anarcho-fascism predates all other forms of anarchism. Arguably, anarcho-fascists did not call themselves anarchists or fascists at the time, but they were arguably adherents of the same philosophy, thus anarcho-fascist claims to the title anarchist are actually arguably more legitimate than those of libertarian socialists, and arguably of about the same legitimacy as their brothers the anarcho-capitalists. These precursors to anarcho-fascism can be found in what are described as the pages on fascism and anarchism.

4) It is widely believe that anarchism is used by some people to mean a great many contradictory things like: terrorism, chaos, a society based on voluntary relationships, green cheese, and corporate capitalism. Therefore, it would appear that anarchism can easily be compatible with fascism as well.

History of Anarcho-fascism

Given that they reject the state, many believe that anarcho-fascism is a form of anarchism. Many believe that Anarcho-fascists repudiate all forms of state control — including involuntary taxation, coercive regulation, unjust war, and impolite monopolies on the use of defensive force — as violations of essential individual rights of the supreme leader. Anarcho-fascism has existed in name for nearly 2 days, but many believe that in its current form it can be said to have existed for thousands of years. Many believe that all or a few anarcho-fascists draw some degree of inspiration from individualist and communist anarchists, though they disagree in a few minor places. Many believe that Anarcho-fascists consider anarcho-capitalists to be their closest cousins, although few if any anarcho-fascists have allied with anarcho-capitalists over the years (these alliances, many believe, often take the form of being mentioned on chat-room discussions, much like the alliances between individualist anarchists and anarcho-capitalists in the form of printed articles 100 years before anarcho-capitalism existed). Some anarcho-capitalists disagree that many believe that this relationship is close.

Many believe that Anarcho-fascists draw much inspiration from individuals such as Kevehs, Rothbard, Mussolini, Tucker, Baruch Spinoza, Emma Goldman, and Glen Matlock. Many believe that their philosophy is a blend of capitalism, authoritatianism, and phrenology. For the past 300 years certain anarcho-fascists argued that many believe that the phlogiston found inside the monad particles of Proudhon's decaying corpse prove that anarchism means only "without state". A non-negligible number of anarcho-fascists believe that Ayn Rand was their most prominent intellectual predecessor, and many believe that any claims to the contrary are based on the ignorance of individuals too steeped in trivial matters like etymology, history, philosophy and fact to see the essence behind her words. Many believe that these views are controversial to other anarchists.

Philosophical Roots

Most anarcho-fascists locate themselves within the arguably non-existent tradition of capitalist anarchism. Like the capitalist anarchists, they reject what they and most normal people describe as The State(tm) and endorse a society based entirely on free association, though it has been suggested they disagree with capitalists on exactly what is entailed by free association. Certain anarcho-fascists have at times "also" been influenced by individualist critiques of the State and their arguments for the right to ignore and/or withdraw from it (as, for example, in Lysander Spooner's No Treason: The Constitution of No Authority, which was sometimes refered to in blogs that "also" refered to anarcho-fascism a couple pages down). Anarcho-fascists also follow in the capitalist condemnation of, in some senses, all forms of collectivist coercion, though it has again been suggested that they disagree in some places on what constitutes collective coercion. Anarcho-fascists, for example, are thought to not believe that the private dictates of their supreme leader qualify as a form of collective coercion, in the sense that it is left to each individual to decide of their own free will whether or not to follow the supreme leader.

Proponents argue that individuals who do not follow the dictates of the supreme leader will not be harmed in any way, though they may be ejected from the private property of the leader, and the exit for that property just so happens to rest atop the sheer face of what studies indicate may be a 200 foot cliff, so it is theoretically not impossible that individuals who do not voluntarily follow the leader will die. However, nearly any collective form of responsibility is shunned by anarcho-fascists and anarcho-capitalists arguably alike, so many would dispute that it is not the leader's fault that the only handy exit is a very high cliff and the guards, in this view, decided to throw the dissident off of said cliff without the knowledge of the leader. Personal responsibility is considered to be of utmost importance to the typical anarcho-fascist.

The relationship between anarcho-fascist and anarcho-capitalist economic and other views is often said to be somewhat more complex. However, there is, many are absolutely certain, no real difference, as mostly they are just using somewhat different terms to mean somewhat the same things. In a fact that many consider fortunate, since most of the intellectual predecessors to anarcho-fascism are long since primarily dead, they are seen as being in no position to deny our interpretation of their statements. This may be true even when our interpretation flatly contradicts common interpretations of their statements on the subject.

In any case, both anarcho-fascists and capitalist anarchists are often assumed to agree with the principle that in a free society, everyone should be regarded as free to organize themselves into any voluntary economic order that they wish (i.e., in any way that respects particular conceptions of property rights) — whether in capitalist firms, certain forms of slave plantation, independent family-run businesses, or, in some sense, in mutualist cooperatives. Anarcho-fascists merely defend fascism (in the voluntary sense of the word) as a largely legitimate choice among these forms of organization, and argue the science of phrenology can be construed to demonstrate that it is the choice which is the most efficient for a prosperous and vital community — but one which they should not and, in their conception, will not impose on others by force; the exit to the leader's property is always, de facto, a viable alternative.

Anarcho-fascist critique of other anarchist factions

Anarcho-fascism has a long tradition, between 2 days and 2000 years, though many anarcho-fascists are believed to have been too afraid to admit their arguable existence until recently. Many would argue that within this tradition falls af's common critique of the "state-like" qualities of anarcho-socialists, or left-anarchists. They claim that any decision reached by a collective is coercive, depending on the definition of the word "is" is. Reports indicate that anarcho-socialists often respond that this isn't a valid representation of what is seen as their philosophy. Anarcho-fascists then insist that their close cousins the individualists never advocated violence in order to end the exploitation of rent, wage, and usury. Critics generally respond, "are you believed to be on crack? Have you even read a single passage from a single book by a single anarchist in your conception of your entire life?" Anarcho-fascists often note that the books written by anarcho-communists are widely suspected of misrepresenting the true essence of anarchism, and thus pretty much fall into the same fact/science/history/philosophy/linguistic trap above.